Splitting the Seams

Month: July, 2014

New Goals, New Dreams?

12

When I was in kindergarten, the teachers asked what we wanted to be when we grew up. At the time, I had no idea. A year later, I decided that I wanted to be a rock star. In middle school when they asked again with a bit more seriousness, I had no idea again. I knew that I was too shy and not talented enough to become a rock star. I was one of the worst singers in my choir class and I was more interested in playing the piano than any kind of rock instrument, but I didn’t actually learn how to play the piano until a couple of semesters into college. In high school, I was completely lost. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted. I wasn’t interested in any subjects  except for English and Math and that was because they were the only ones that I was good at, which surprised me later in life because starting out they were my worst subjects. It wasn’t until I was helping my friend in our trig class during my junior year of high school that she said to me, “you know, you would be a really good teacher.”

Those words got my mind thinking. Perhaps I wasn’t particularly interested in learning about English or Math, but because I was good at them and I understood them, I probably could teach one or the other subject. I chose to go to college and get my Bachelors and Masters in English. On the college level, they again asked me what I wanted. Did I want to do creative writing, journalism, technical writing, education? For a while, I debated between majoring in educational English or creative writing because I was much more interested in writing creatively than writing educationally and I could always take the tests to get my credentials for teaching later. Then I remembered that if I was going to make a career out of teaching, then I might as well take the classes needed to excel in it and take a few creative writing classes on the side. 

English Education has been my path for the last 5 years. I’m in my 6th year of studying, close to finishing my first year of working in a pretty crappy cafe that serves pretty crappy and overrated coffee drinks in a negative learning environment that promotes fear over growth. There have been a few things during the last three or four weeks that have been pushing the alignment of last night’s moment. The way that my work is, my enjoyment of a good caffeinated beverage, the authenticity and honesty of what an Americano truly is versus what we have been making (and yes, there is a difference between pouring the shots on top of the water and pouring the water on top of the shots) at the shop, the fact that Eat Your Kimchi will be opening their own dream coffee shop in Korea, how I’ve been researching plane ticket prices that could get me to Korea sometime between December and January, my boyfriend’s newfound closeness to me and the fact that he’d like to move up north for a bit, and the close friends that I’ve made while working at the shop that will bring upon a road trip to the north have all got my head spinning with inspired ideas. I know it all seems like disconnected gibberish, but I have a new goal. I would still very much  love to pursue my career as an English teacher, but the idea of opening my own coffee shop is the thing that’s been putting a smile on my face the most. 

I know that it will be difficult and it might not happen for a few years, and even then I’ll have student debts to pay and I could lose everything just to take the risk at it. But I’ve realized that this is kind of what I want. I haven’t had very many passions in my life, but of the passions I do have, I can make a career out of two or three of them. In my life, all at some point, I would really love to become an English teacher, own a coffee shop of my own, and become a book editor. I’m sure that each of those career paths will be extremely difficult and take up a lot of my money, time, and sanity. This is what I want though. I’ve always loved editing people’s work and collaborating with people. I’ve never been too good with money since I normally hoard it all to myself, so I’d absolutely need some help in the expenses part of building a coffee shop, but I’ve got some friends that can help me out with that. And my path as an English teacher began long ago and it’s a path I intend to see through to the end. Just thinking about what the future holds or what I could make of it has my heart beaming with silver joy. I haven’t been this happy in a long time.

I should also add that a big part of this inward transformation is due to my reading of Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In. I’m only on the second chapter and I’ve always considered myself to be a feminist. I can see how, in some ways, people could consider her to be unfeminist because she is pushing the idea of women standing up to a man’s level rather than telling men to stand up to a woman’s level, but the book is mostly directed towards women in a man’s world. The statistics she states are things that I have seen and felt not just in the work place but in life as well. Her book works for me. I agree with a lot of what she has to say. It’s not every woman’s path, but it is some women’s path. I agree with what she has to say, and knowing that there is someone out there who isn’t afraid to be her full self with the world and encourage other women and men out there to be their full selves is something that has really inspired me.

I never considered myself to be ambitious because I had always only wanted to survive. Growing up, I was taught not to ask for more than what I got and to be grateful with what I already had. I still try to live by that today, but I am no longer punishing myself for obtaining things that I desire. In the working world, I am still very shy and uncertain when it comes to asking what I want because I don’t want to seem picky or bossy or demanding. But what if I’m not any of those things? I’ve never thought about being my own boss until I envisioned what my own coffee shop would look like. I’ll write more of it’s image in a later post, but for now I’m proud of myself for letting myself dream for once, for not being afraid to dream, and for making a start at creating the new design for my life. Thank you, Sheryl Sandberg, for helping to brush away the clouds of fear and doubt, even if just for a moment so that I could catch a glimpse of what I truly want in life and in my career.

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Help Me Find My “Theme”

As everyone (who has been reading) might have noticed, my topics are rather broad. I’m not running a self-help blog, nor am I necessarily a diary or journal type blog, nor informative, etc. Sometimes I’m not sure what is appropriate to talk about. Occasionally, I write articles where I complain about certain situations and standards of my work place only to delete them for fear that someone might discover who I am and where I work and get me fired even if I don’t explicitly mention any name, place, or person. I am currently attempting to write a book that I’ve had in my head for the last six years, but find it difficult sometimes to put down due to my regularly busy life, but have thought about possibly leaking excerpts of it for input from the public. I decided that I’m still too shy for that. I’m an English major, and yet I’m not at all interested in journalism and I’m too afraid that if I put my poems up online under a pseudonym that someone else might steal them. I suppose some of these risks are ones that I need to take. I really do lack confidence though I pretend that I don’t, constantly spewing explanations like, “because I’m awesome,” or “’cause I’m a ninja” when people ask me how I did something. The fact is that I’m a little lost, I’ve always been a little lost, but more recently with my writing I’ve been losing focus and my path has become foggy. I’m reaching out and asking for suggestions from everyone.

June Favorites

Beauty
I don’t wear very much makeup, but the first item in my makeup bag that I have used a lot this month is the Spotlight Red lipstick from Wet n Wild. I have also been paring this matte lipstick with the Berry plumping lip gloss from Love & Beauty by Forever 21. I really like the lipstick on its own because I personally don’t believe that shiny lips look very good on me, and I honestly don’t really like the texture of lip gloss; however, I thought that I would try out the plumping lip gloss for a bit. I like it as long as I pat it off just a bit so that it’s not so sticky.

As for products that I use on my face, I really enjoy using Yes to Cucumbers Daily Calming Moisturizer in the morning after taking a shower. It’s light and fresh scented so it’s great for waking myself up in the morning and keeping my face from becoming dry and itchy early on in the day. If I shower at night, I prefer to use Avalon Organics Lavender Luminosity Ultimate Night Cream. It is also a moisturizing cream, but it is supposed to help “Renew Radiance” in your face, keeps my face from becoming dry and itchy at night (so I don’t wake up with a dry and itchy face), and it smells absolutely divine, aromatheraputic.

The face masks that I enjoy using are the Borghese Fango Active Mud for Face and Body and the Freeman Mint and Lemon Clay Mask. I use the former when I feel the need for a deep, deep cleaning and when I want to apply it to my shoulders and my neck as well. That one you only have to wear for about 5 minutes for it to take it’s full effect, so it’s quick and easy, and the container carries a lot of the mud in it. The latter is the one that I use occasionally when I want to have a quick face wash. You do have to wear it for longer, but you only apply it to your face rather than your face and your body, and it gives a nice refreshing tingling sensation after wearing it for a little bit. My face feels clean and revitalized after using either of them.

Music
Panic! At The Disco’s new album Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die has been my personal favorite this month. I can’t get enough of Girls/Girls/ Boys. Otherwise, I have really enjoyed listening to my ipod on random or switching it to Gorillaz Demon Days.

Gaming
Lately I’ve been obsessed–and I do mean Obsessed–with Corpse Party. This not only includes the multiple games, but also the manga and the anime. The game for PSP is the one that I have been playing almost nonstop since I got it and I’ve really enjoyed discovering the game for myself instead of simply watching someone else discover it. My other favorite game this month is Fatal Frame II: Crimson Butterfly. I remember playing this game so very long ago in high school with my old friends, so I decided to buy it–again–and play it all over again. It’s been at least five years since I last played it. Oh, the memories…

Books
My top two choices of this month concerning my reading list would be The Khalada Stone by New Zealand author Russell Meek. It is the first book of a trilogy, and I’m pretty sure that the second book may already be out. It’s a wonderful adventure in a strange new land that he created, and while it is indeed a long read, it is a good, long read.

The second book would be The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradly. It’s about Flavia de Luce who is so very intrigued and smitten with poisons and one day witnesses a man’s death in her family’s cucumber garden. The mystery unfolds from there. It is witty and draws the reader in instantly. The characters are loveable–even the ones who we love to hate–and the mystery aspect is done wonderfully. This is one book that I have not wanted to put down.

 

 

So, these are my favorites for the month. I highly doubt that they will change too much from month to month, but I thought I might get a new segment started. I promise to add new favorites each month though, regarding multiple subjects. Thank you all for reading and enjoy the rest of your day.

Ta for now!